i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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