I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
