It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
