I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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