I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
