My liver just broke up with me...
false alarm. still invincible.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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