please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
