Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
