I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
