i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize