Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
