why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
