I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
