my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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