the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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