I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
