I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
so much tequila, so little girl.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
