does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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