She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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