But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
