Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
