Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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