So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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