I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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