If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
