Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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