My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
