i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
