She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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