In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize