Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
