He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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