I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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