Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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