3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize