it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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