so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
