What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
