i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
