I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
