I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You made out with two different species that night
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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