Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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