i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Your cock deserves a montage
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
