every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
