If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize