im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He passed out mid-signature
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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