It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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