You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
