did you get engaged???
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
