u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
