i was born a porn star she said
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
