I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
