It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
