I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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