I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
