I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
