My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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