My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
