tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
