You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
